June 6, 1999
I am getting this out late for a few reasons, first I didn't want to do it till now, and because I needed some time.
I watched a movie that I wanted to watch when it came out but didn't get the chance, it was City of Angels with Nicholas Cage. Excellent movie, very much a tear jerker and Nicholas was great. His best performance yet I believe.
If you haven't seen it do so its on video.
This week I have been depressed and still job hunting, I have had a few rays of hope and am searching out the cause hoping to find a job and a place to be. I think that I might have.
In our lives we have opportunities to make changes and create the things that we want, out of fear or a lack of faith we usually don't take the reins of our own horse and go where we think that we should or would like to. I am planning to do just that as quickly as I can regardless of the problems it might cause or the words of caution that I know I will receive from others.
This is my life, I have chosen to be where I am and I am choosing now to be where I will be. And I think that everyone should be doing just that.
The movie is about an Angel that wants to know what being human is all about. He falls in love - with Meg Ryan - and learns that free will, that thing I have talked about a few times before, exists for every creature "God" has created. Even for Angels.
He learns from another former Angel that he can become human and experiance what it is all about. And he does.
But the turns of the movie while expected are not very nice and Meg's character dies with Nic's watching. In the beginning of the movie a child dies and Nic is the one escorting her to "Heaven" and she asks where are we going? Nic replies, "home". In the end after Meg's character has died he is asked by an Angel friend of his if it was worth it and if he had known would he have done it anyway. His answer is without regret or doubt, yes.
Those that know me on a somewhat intimate level know that I have been fighting with my own mortality for a long time; cancer, heart problems and a never ending desire to know the truth and to move on beyond this mortal idea we call life. To join my ancestors and hunt the buffalo and bear again like we used to, but I digress.
I have wanted to go "home" for a long time and I have regretted many things in my life but none having to do with the subject of love. And I make no promises about being human and understanding completly what that means because I don't. Ideas yes, possible explinations yes, understanding maybe.
I do know that I am done allowing others to determin the what of my life and I am taking the reins and doing what I feel is best. And I will have no regrets.
Caution and safety are things that I am aware of and respect, but this is my life and I am going to live it as I feel I need to.
Like everyone should.